So, you wound up in South Carolina.

I’m so, so sorry.

But there’s hope. If you don’t want to spend the weekend puking with college kids and divorced dads in Myrtle Beach, and you want to avoid the MAGA cultists by hanging out in a safe, progressive, fun city, then make a beeline to Greenville.

It’s kinda the Austin of South Carolina.

And like a smaller, less densely-populated Asheville.

I recently spent a few days visiting family there and they treated me to the best of what this small city in the foothills has to offer: stellar breweries, excellent food, a unique downtown, atmospheric speakeasies, mountain hiking and some ancient Italian ruins.

Breweries

Let’s start with the beer.

Greenville’s brewery scene offers as diverse a selection of craft beer and associated vibes as a pretentious hops-hipster (like myself) could hope for. Standouts include:

Double Stamp Brewery: Themed off nineties pop-culture, Double Stamp also just so happens to be right next to Home Team BBQ, and the beer just so happens to pair really well with their brisket and seasoned tots. The Void (farmhouse saison) was great, but the Kool-Kidz Blue Raspberry is a Kool-Aid seltzer that comes in a mason jar, which is pretty much the only way to drink Kool-Aid. Did I mention the nineties theme? Look at this shirt:

–Voodoo Brewing Co.: The Uncanny Valley IPA delivers. Murals all over the walls, as well as a couple of skeletons hiding in the rafters, give this place a chill yet spooky vibe. They also have a cool outdoor theater area, perfect for watching games and movies.

–Carolina Bauernhaus: A bluegrass band was playing Nirvana covers. That says everything you need to know about this one. Full disclosure: by this point in that particular night I don’t remember what beer(s) I drank, but I remember they were good. I might have tried the Walhallapeno (a golden sour brewed with jalapenos) but I think I went with the Chabrewga (session IPA brewed with pine needles). Their tavern-style pizza I definitely remember. This place knows its motif, and how to craft its atmosphere.

–Fireforge Brewery: Speaking of atmosphere, Fireforge makes you feel like you’re drinking in the garage with your buddies on a Sunday afternoon. Very friendly staff. The Barnstorm saison was solid, but their Oktoberfest was one of the best I think I’ve ever had.

Food

Because all that beer makes you hungry.

The Warehouse: This food hall serves up both grub and booze, and although I didn’t eat at Grub Box, I have it on good local authority that’s it’s awesome. I can confirm firsthand that Bourbon St. Burgers serves amazing food, such as this monstrosity, which includes bacon and melted gouda and beer cheese on a pretzel bun. Look at this fucking thing:

Society: Located downtown, this place has a fun diner vibe with more artery-clogging goodness. I recommend the Southern Weather chicken sandwich, a key ingredient of which is hot honey sauce.

Sully’s: gourmet bagels of every kind of taste and flavoring you can imagine. Really, really good breakfast food. (And it’s especially life-saving if you spent the previous night drinking a lot of Oktoberfests.)

Downtown

Greenville has one of the most unique downtown areas I’ve been to, in large part due to Falls Park on the Reedy, a scenic riverwalk that loops around the south end. The falls are pretty (and bigger than they look in this photo), especially with Liberty Bridge crossing in front of it and providing these views.

Downtown Greenville also has a fun art exhibit / scavenger hunt called Mice on Main. Inspired by Goodnight Moon, the tiny bronze statues of nine different mice can be found around the area, with hints provided here:

https://www.visitgreenvillesc.com/things-to-do/all-things-to-do/mice-on-main/

In the way of bookstores, M. Judson Booksellers is located in an old building and carries an impressive selection, including regional authors and a southern literature section, as well as hosting author readings.

Speakeasies

Greenville has two Alice in Wonderland-themed speakeasies: a pop-up put on by Press Room, and a permanent one called Rabbit Hole.

Press Room has a rotating series of themed speakeasies, and they did a great job with this one. The decor made you feeling like you were sitting the tea garden, and a lot of attention was paid to the drinks: the Absolem the Wise came in a mushroom glass with “smoke” that mimicked the namesake characters’ hookah pipe, while the 10/6 is bourbon in a teacup.

The Rabbit Hole has a public section up front, but the back area (which requires a reservation) is hidden behind a bookshelf and sits you down in a low-lit, upscale backroom with more portraits of aristocratic rabbits than I knew existed in the world, and shelves on shelves of leatherbound tomes. The drinks are some of the best I’ve ever had, and taken with the gourmet-portioned bites and overall ambiance, you feel kinda sophisticated for a little while (before going back to beer and burgers). The bathroom is packed with more Alice in Wonderland-inspired portraits, with an audio recording of a reading of the Mad Hatter scene playing over the speakers. Even the bathroom is whimsical.

Hiking

About an hour’s drive west into the mountains is Lake Jocassee, a reservoir lake located in Devil’s Fork State Park. The water is crystal clear and the hiking is nice—we of course had to hike the trail called Devil’s Point. It’s an easy route, taking about half an hour along some simple slopes as well as through a swampy portion and a stretch along a humid, but pretty, creek. Like any good trail, markers point out the names of local fauna:

Lake Jocassee offers regular camping and boat-in campsites, as well as boat tours that take visitors out to where the Cherokee Nation’s Jocassee Town was flooded to make the reservoir.

Finally, the Italian ruins.

Bridgeway Station is a mixed-use development consisting of apartments, shops and a food hall, and is notable for the medieval Italian-inspired facade. You can walk around here just looking at all the details, including a certain very cool, and probably cursed, throne:

Mercato Cafe is located here, and they have some awesome donuts (this coming from someone who doesn’t really like sweets). This one was the best. It’s a donut. With bacon.

Greenville is a gem in the foothills, definitely worth a visit for the Southern small-city vibe, scoring a nine out of ten bacon-sprinkled donuts.