It’s the sequel nobody asked for!

Following up last October’s post, combining two of my favorite things (Halloween and Chicago) I figure that an unnecessary follow-up is due.

The focus this year: Chicago-themed Halloween costumes.

I don’t know how easy these are to make, or if they’re practical for treat-or-treating, cemetery shenanigans or blood raves—but if you’re going to be puking up pumpkin-spice Malӧrt onto something by 3 a.m. on November 1st (I definitely won’t be) then it might as well be onto something that captures the spirit of this city. Feel free to use these ideas, with any modifications you want, just let me know how it goes.

The new pope is an obvious choice, but I think we need to see the papal robes updated with some kind of Chicago flag pattern and color scheme. Or the Cubs. Or an Italian sandwich—or maybe an inflatable Italian sandwich costume (even though I don’t think they make those?) combined with the pointed hat and the staff, but in the aforementioned colors. Either way, whoever dresses up as this has to perform services with the blood of Chicago (Malӧrt) and the flesh of Chicago (spoonfuls of giardiniera).

I already know that some of you sacrilegious heretics are planning to dress up this one—but maybe that’s actually being extraordinarily devout? I don’t know, I feel like the actual Pope will be cool with it.

So we’re all in love with the Portland frog from the recent protests, and how it set off the inflatable animals phenomenon all across No Kings 2.0 this past weekend (so many frogs, and axolotls, and frogs, and T-Rexes, and frogs, and I’m pretty sure I saw the same zombie-unicorn inflatable there that I saw a month ago at Riot Fest, and frogs…). But Chicago already has a mascot, or one that it shares with other union-heavy cities. This guy:

So this isn’t exclusive to Chicago, but considering its pro-labor use (which is itself a radical-leaning concept), adapting it into an inflatable costume is the next logical step. What makes it Chicago-exclusive is that we’ve been the rattiest city in the country for a decade. So this costume has three layers of meaning, so that it (1) has broad appeal and (2) you’ll sound really smart explaining it to people at the Halloween party.

If you’re still in the mood for crossovers, but you’re a sports person, consider the Wrigleyville Redneck. This not only embraces the area’s strenuous attempts to rebrand itself as the Nashville of the Midwest, but it’s also a subtle cultural commentary on the shifting demographics of the area. (Too pasty, too “centrist.”) Your fellow sports people will definitely appreciate the cleverness while you’re all out doing… sports… stuff?

Actually, I’d recommend wearing the Wrigleyville Redneck costume if you’re trying to get in a fight out on Addison with a tech bro in a banana suit who’s a half-dozen Coors Lights in. Which has never happened before. Ever.

But what does the Wrigleyville Redneck costume look like? Well, it helps that the Cubs colors are red, white and blue, so you’ve got the overly-patriotic element of redneck-ness already engrained into it. Suspenders over a Cubs jersey? Straw hat with a shitty red cardboard C taped to the front? Shirtless except for a bear pelt that you definitely didn’t have a hunting license for? Jug of moonshine but it’s actually Malӧrt?

The trick is to infuse Cubs imagery with redneck stereotypes, without wearing something too right-wing… so no red hats. Otherwise, use this as a springboard and go wild with it.

There might be an exception to not dressing up as the bad guys, though.

Because if you’re more of a nerd, then maybe another triple-layered crossover works: Trump Tower, but as Barad-dûr. This would work on so many levels, the all-black spiky gothic menace of the latter with the big-name/little-dick slapped onto the front (bonus points if you can get his name down in the Lord of the Rings font). Then just slap on a Trump mask, at the top of the tower, and it’ll glow more orange than the Eye of Sauron.

But it’s kinda an insult to Sauron and Mordor, if you think about it. At least Sauron had principles, and accomplished things. Evil things, sure, and he lost, sure, but at least he was actually good at being a dark lord. Instead of an orange crybaby.

But if the mashups are too much, you could go for simple Chicago staples: a jar of hot peppers, or a century-old clanking-ass apartment radiator—y’know, something hot enough to melt ice.

Anyway, it’s the best time of the year, even with the country being where it’s at right now. Finding the time to have some fun amid it all is one of the strongest acts of defiance that you can make against a wanna-be authoritarian regime. They want you miserable and scared, so for at least one night I’ll be happy and scared—scared of the long shadows and the dark things that live in them, on the one night a year when the veil is thinnest and all the freaks come out in their costumes, to trick-or-treat and play.

So, see you at the cemetery rave.

Photo credits:

Banner photo: myholidays.com

Inflatable rat: Justin Hicks (NPR)