I took the finale pretty well.

But here’s my proposed rewrite of season five.

Disclaimers and Conditions

The following is a set of narrative conditions that I gave myself, which aren’t necessary to read. If you want to dive right into it, then skip down to the section titled “Episode 1.”

This is more of a semi-detailed outline, not a scene-by-scene breakdown—even though I am going episode by episode. I won’t cover every single character, arc and event that would be necessary for this to work, because I’m approaching it more like early outlining than actual scriptwriting; those missing details would be fleshed out in the various drafts and rewrites before and during shooting. The gaps are most apparent in episodes 1-3, but just imagine that alongside all of the events that I describe there would be subplots and other, smaller character arcs going on.

I do start to fill in the details more beginning with episode 4, so that it’s pretty descriptive by the time we get to volume 3. There’s also an extra episode, making it so that volume 3 is split into episodes 8 and 9, which are essentially the finale in two parts (because it wound up being just that huge and intense).

In short: this starts off kinda sparse, but gets far more detailed with each episode.

Further, as I go along I explain some of the narrative choices (from a writing perspective), especially toward the beginning—but for the most part, I want the story to speak for itself.

Also, I’m working with a mixed starting point, using:

• Where the story stood at the end of season 4.
• The bare skeleton of the canon season 5 (along with the like, two things that actually worked).
• And a whole lot of hindsight.

Keeping to the three-volume structure, my LSV breaks down like this:

• Volume 1 (episodes 1-4): Apocalypse in Hawkins, the struggle to save the children from Vecna.
• Volume 2 (episodes 5-7): The party heads into the Upside Down to kill Vecna and save the children.
• Volume 3 (episodes 8 & 9): The final battle to kill the Mind Flayer and Vecna, and to close the gates, spanning Hawkins, the Upside Down and the Abyss.

I avoided adding OC characters as best I could, instead using the characters who were in the canon up to the end of season 4, as well as a few who were introduced in the canon season 5. There are, however, two exceptions to this, a pair of OCs that the plot needed.

“Canon” here will mean the real-life season 5, versus my wish-fulfilment exercise, which we’ll call the Less Shitty Version (LSV).

Why is this wish-fulfillment? Because although I’m not bound to the same real-world logistics of filmmaking, I’m still trying to keep this version realistic as to what could be done by cast and crew with the huge budget that Netflix gave this season. Although this is definitely for fun, part of it is to point out that you shouldn’t need to rely on ChatGPT and not crediting your ex-wife in order to write the ending that this show, and its fans, deserved.

And, obvious spoilers for the actual, canon Stranger Things season 5—but if you’re here, then I imagine you already know what happened.

Episode 1

My Less-Shitty Version of season 5 would pick up right where season 4 ended: the gate into the Upside Down has opened in the middle of downtown Hawkins, and from it comes bursting out a flood of demogorgons, demodogs and demobats. This is what fans were promised, and it’s exactly what would be delivered: apocalypse in Hawkins.

Someone in the party (probably Dustin) would figure out pretty quickly that the gate reopened because Vecna is still alive. His goal in season 4 had been to open this gate, which happened when Max was possessed in the previous episode… it’s only that Vecna was delayed when the party beat him at the end of season 4.

Now that Vecna’s returned to the Mind Flayer in the Abyss (which we would see, but the party doesn’t know about yet), the Mind Flayer has not only quickly healed him, but also enhanced him—making him even stronger than he was before. We would see some of this happening through Vecna’s point of view, which establishes that throughout this season, we’ll be getting deeper into his personality and his history, through his own subplot, in his own perspective.

However, we’re mostly in Hawkins right now. The party rushes into town (from El and Hopper’s cabin, per the end of season 4) to help people fight off the monsters. And the party consists of exactly who we had at the end of that season:

• El
• Mike
• Will
• Lucas
• Dustin
• Hopper
• Joyce
• Nancy
• Jonathan
• Steve
• Robin
• Erica
• Murray
• and Argyle!

In this LSV, one of the show’s best characters returns, providing comedic relief and a consistent foil for the more serious characters and moments. Also, throughout this season he and Robin would definitely become best friends because, c’mon. And I think Argyle would also be pretty cool with Will coming out, might have already known but just didn’t care. More on that later.

The only members of the party to stay behind are El, who sets up in the saline bath to try and locate Vecna, and Mike, to keep watch over her.

The attack on Hawkins makes up the bulk of this episode, and it’s full-out chaos, demos running rampant through the town, maiming and killing indiscriminately. However, El is able to make enough of a connection to Vecna’s mind to figure out that he’s directing the monsters to target certain places, going after specific children… the ones that Vecna needs. (We’re keeping that part of the canon, since saving the children works as a good McGuffin.)

El can’t figure out why he’s doing this, but that doesn’t matter right now. She tells Mike what she’s learned, as well as which children are being targeted. Mike radios the rest of the party, and different members split off to help them.

The monsters, however, are killing anyone who tries to protect the children, such as Officer Callahan.

Seeing a demogorgon is going after a child out on the street, Callahan tries to fight it off, but the demo slashes him to death. So, not even a few minutes into the final season, we watch one of the recurring characters—goofy, incompetent Officer Callahan—get the Bob treatment.

This ups the stakes, slowly letting the audience know right at the beginning that from here on out, none of the characters are safe. Throughout this episode especially, we’re going to watch Stranger Things’ notorious plot armor break, piece by piece.

Such as at the Wheeler house.

Because one of the children Vecna needs is Holly Wheeler. So, a demogorgon shows up.

At the same time, Vecna has used El’s connection to his mind to locate her. He sends multiple demogorgons to the cabin.

While most of the party is spread out across town, trying to save the children, Hopper pulls enough civilians together into a fighting force and leads a push back against the demos. Remember the gun depot in season 4? Now we get to see all that hardware put to use by the townspeople. This counterattack includes Hopper’s reunion with Powell—

—who became chief of police after Hopper’s presumed death. They don’t have time to talk about the fact that Hopper very much isn’t dead, but it’s something that Powell and the rest of the town are confused and uncertain about.

Amid the chaos, Lucas rushes to the hospital where Max is in a coma, only to find that she hasn’t been targeted. Robin goes with him, in order to check on Vickie (who volunteers at the hospital, and who isn’t dating Robin yet because in the LSV they haven’t had time to get together; they only just started talking).

Vickie doesn’t understand why they came to save Max, and Robin says that she can’t really answer that. Vickie then asks Robin why she came rushing to the hospital for her (Vickie), giving her a meaningful look. Robin says that she doesn’t know how to answer that, either. Something unspoken passes between them. They both know that the other one feels something, but neither of them is ready to make a move yet.

Robin gets uncomfortable with the silence, panics, and does her thing in which she starts talking too much. She tries to answer Vickie’s first question, at least: that Max is important to all of this—that if she dies, really bad things might happen, even worse than they are now. But they also might not happen, it’s kinda hard to tell. But they can’t leave Max unguarded. Vickie says she doesn’t get it, but she doesn’t need to. They move pretty quickly into action, focusing on Max and not each other.

The other party members not mentioned so far would be busy saving the children—I’m just focusing on the most important characters and events for this episode. But we see them doing what they can, fighting and outsmarting the demos… or at least trying to.

Also, some of the townspeople we see fighting and/or being killed by the demos are those shithead jocks from season 4.

One or two get killed off, but others are fighting back with the rest of the town—more on them in a bit, just keep in mind that they’re around, too.

Back at the cabin, Mike learns from El that Holly isn’t safe, and radios Nancy. She rushes home with some of the other party members (probably Jonathan and Steve). At the Wheeler house, we keep what happened in the canon almost the same: the demogorgon attacks, Karen Walk ’Em Down Wheeler fights back but is torn across the throat and chest and, ultimately, Holly is taken. The big difference? This guy dies:

Another fan favorite, good ol’ Ted Wheeler, overworked and grumpy and sleepy. A steady background presence throughout the entire show, dead by a demogorgon’s claws. If he isn’t safe… then who is?

Not the pair back at the cabin, because Vecna wants to take El away, back into the Upside Down, and he’s sent his demogorgons for her. A lot of demogorgons.

Too many for her to handle alone.

They attack the cabin, and El tries to fight them off. But Vecna attacks telepathically, weakening her, and she gets more and more desperate as the cabin—what had once been her home—is torn apart, and as Mike is slashed across the chest, then thrown across the room.

Enraged and terrified, El, in a burst of immense strength slaughters the demogorgons, then rushes to where Mike lies, amid the wreckage, his chest ripped open, bleeding out. No one else is there to help, and for all her powers, El can’t save him. Mike dies, right there in her arms.

End episode 1.

Why Mike?

For a number of reasons. Let’s start with what the canon showed us.

Stranger Things always refused to kill off any of the major party members. Instead, it picked one or two sacrificial lambs each season—Barb, Bob, Billy (screw the B’s, I guess?), Alexei and Eddie—to maintain the illusion of high stakes without actually giving up someone substantial.

Besides how disingenuous this is, it’s also oversaturated the narrative with too many characters. We saw this in the canon by how few of these characters actually got to have any real development. There isn’t enough room for them to breathe, developmentally, and thus complete their arcs. So how do we handle this?

We Game of Thrones this shit.

The deaths of Officer Callahan and Ted Wheeler were meant to get us ready, but Mike’s death is the commitment, it’s the statement: No one is safe. If season five is willing to kill off one of the original protagonists right at the beginning, then we’re going to be sweating during every episode, freaking out whenever someone’s in danger because who’s next? Who is next?!

And look, Mike’s an okay character. He’s the “leader,” sure, but by this point he’d become more like a cheerleader than a terribly active participant. We have to look at the narrative space, and the characters occupying it, like a staff of dozens employees for a company that can only afford ten. We only have so much of this resource to spread around, and a character who isn’t adding much has to go.

But if that character’s death will also have a huge impact on the rest of the story? Then throw them to the demogorgons.

And as it looks right now, that might be the fate of the whole town.

Click here for episode 2

Image credits:

• Poster: mikeshouts.com
• Argyle: cbr.com
• Officer Callahan: fandom.com
• Bob’s bad day: movieweb.com
• Chief Powell: fandom.com
• Jocks: artofit.org
• Ted: nerdist.com
• Mike: the direct.com